What a lovely way to spend an evening

Tubes coming out in every direction, some pumping in fluid, others draining it out. A hole in my stomach, and platitudes from an ostomy nurse that it won't be a big deal. Somehow, I suspect it will be a big deal. But I will get thru it. But it is still the pits. What else do you want me to say?

Some Pictures?

Brave new world here. I'm actually going to try to post a few pictures of some of my outdoor adventures over the past year.

This first one is Chantal at the head of Honeycomb Fork up Big Cottonwood Canyon. The next is of Silver Glance Lake. See my post on this hike that I made last year. Finally, a shot from a snowshoe hike I took a few weeks ago, just to prove that Radiation/Chemo did not render me an invalid. Looks like they might have posted last to first, but you should be able to sort them out...

Gutted like a fresh trout

My surgery will be on the 18th at LDS Hospital. With all the $$ that I and my insurance company have given IHC the last few years, I think that I will ask that they name a wing or at least an operating room in my honor.
I am feeling great right now. The radiation burns and symptoms are all gone, I have all the energy I could ever have, it is kind of surreal to think that in 8 days I will be flat on my back with a hole in my stomach and my poop flowing into a baggie. Kind of depressing to think about, so I try not to.
I did hear about a gadget called Ostomy Armor that is supposed to let you do anything you want and not have your "appliance" get dislodged. I'll have to check that out, since I still hope to get back into the hills as soon as I can after this is over.
I don't know if the second round of chemo will knock me back more than the first one did-which was not that much. If so, then life won't be too bad except of course, for that baggie. Yuck.
I'm not going to put many details on this out for public consumption, but I will mention that facing death in the short to mid term does do a wonderful job of focusing your mind on just what you would say if you were standing in front of God, and trying to get your ducks lined up in case it comes to that. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Two and a half weeks in....

And my insides are going nuts. I've never popped so many gas/nausea/you name it/pills in my life. I guess it was too much to expect to get nuked for five weeks and not have any effects. My energy level is doing OK, sometimes I'm a bit foppish, but generally doing alright, I can at least go to work and do the things I need to do each day.
And what's with a drug named...5FU? Someone needs a new ad agency. I'm sure the chemo is doing what it is supposed to do, but talk about an unfortunate name. Might I suggest perhaps "Morcures" or TumorNuke" or anything but a name that brings a cuss word to mind.

Chemo/Radiation-one week down

Everyone said that I was going to be dead tired, and maybe I will at some point, but so far, five days into my treatment, the only side effect has been a gassy tummy, easily taken care of with a few pills. I cannot decide if the catheter rig makes me more like Frankenstiens monster or a Borg. It is danged inconvienient having a tube come out of you 24/7 running to a fanny pack. When I take a shower I have to tape plastic wrap over the top of it.
The radiation will only be five weeks, not six. I do not know if that will move surgery up or not.

Lots of news, not all of it good.

I have not updated this blog since September, not much of note was happening until a few weeks ago, then all H-E-double toothpicks broke loose. I was doing a routine followup with an MD to a very minor problem that had shown up a year earlier, and being a Uroligist, he wanted to check my prostate (yuck). Well, thank heavens that he did, becuase he felt what he thought was a polyp, I had a Colonoscopy the day after Christmas to remove the polyp. Well, it wasn't a polyp, it was a real, honest-to-goodness, would-have-been-fatal-in-a-few-more-months tumor.
As it is, the cancer was still fairly advanced, and I start chemo and radiation tomorrow. For all the gritty details, I am going to copy and paste a few of the posts that I made on the Yahoo group for colorectal cancer:

1/1/2008:

I am sure that over the years, there have been many messages similarto the one I am typing right now.A week and a half ago, when my MD was doing a checkup and checked myprostate, he told me he felt a polyp, and that I should have acolonoscopy to get it removed.Had the scope the day after Christmas, and no problems with thepolyp, but there is a fairly advanced tumor seperate from it in myrectum. I have had a X-ray, CT scan and ultrasound to look for mestasis and to stage the tumor, and I have a PET scan tomorrow tomake sure that there has been no mestasis. So far, barring any nastysurprises tomorrow, it looks like have joined the Stage 3 club. The tumor was staged as T4,N1,M0, which is I guess about as bad as it can be and still have a shot at a cure. What I do have going for me isthat I am fairly young at 49 and otherwise in great health. I fact,the followup appointment to my initial scan cancelled a planned snowshoeing trip. What feels so strange is that here I am, with a disease that stands agood chance of ending my life, and yet I feel fine-make that great.I should send a thank you to the MD who felt the polyp, since I was totally asymptomatic otherwise. I guess what I am wondering right now is mainly-how miserable do you get while going through the radiation/chemo/surgery/chemo again? I know that the surgery will take me off the grid for at least a fewdays, but I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't have income. It strikes me as ironic that even if in a year I am totally disease-free, I might be financially destroyed.Were some of you able to work effectively during the chemo and radiation?How long did the surgery incapacitate you between the hospital andstaying at home? Were you able to preform things like yard work and recreational activities? I have always hiked and backpacked and enjoy fly fishing as well. I'm just not sure how those activities will fit in with the gauntlet I am getting ready to run.Of course, I will be asking these questions of my MD, but would liketo hear from those who have been through it firsthand.Thanks a lot in advance.

1/3/08:

Thnaks to all who responded both on the group and via email. I had a PET scan yesterday to confirm that there is no distant mestasis. I called the MD and said that I would see him Tuesday, and not to call me unless the scan had a nasty surprise, but to please call me if it didshow something. Kind of the no-news-is-good-news thing. Sometimes it almost seems as if I could handle whatever the news is rather thansitting around waiting for it. I'm not serious, of course. Being told I was stage 4 would not be a pleasant experience. On a side note, my Uroligist's office called today to let me know thatthe results on my Prostate exam came back normal. I told the nurse to be sure and thank the MD for deciding that I needed it checked, since another few months would have made a difference in my prognosis-and not for the better. I guess I will post more once I know more next Tuesday.

1/7/08

All my scans and scopes are done, I am meeting tomorrow with the MD. The news could be worse, but it certainly could be better. Both the CTand PET scans showed enlarged lymph nodes not in the immediate area ofthe tumor, but the PET did not show any actual tumor in the glands. If there would have been tumors, I would be stage IV, and that would not be good. However, the fact that they are enlarged means that there is a more than good chance that there are at least a few cancer cells thathave drained into those nodes, and if the chemo does not knock them out, then again, that would not be a good thing. But at present, it looks like I am a candidate for the chemo plus radiation/surgery/more chemo gauntlet, with at least a decent shot at a cure.It still seems surreal to be feeling great, but knowing that I am literally in a fight for my life. BTW, I see that some of you have talked about Xeloda oral chemo. The standard chemo at this Doctor is administered via a semi-permenant catheter. Any reason that I should bring up the possibility of using oral chemo? If there are some medical reports you could refer me to, I would appreciate it. Of course, I am going to run a Google search right after I finish typing.

And finally, on 1/12/08:

Both the radiation doc and the surgeon say they think I have a 60-80% chance of beating this on the first go round-as in "no reoccurence"at my present stage. The numbers would be even better except for those enlarged lymph nodes a few inches away from the tumor, which throws a wild card into the whole calculation. Chemo and radiation start Monday...Unfortunately, the surgeon is also of the opinion that there is onlyabout a 10% chance of my not needing an permanent colostomy, due to both the position of the tumor and the fact that it has probably spread to the anal muscle structure. He won't know for sure until he gets in there during surgery. He said all sorts of nice things abouthow living with a colostomy is not that bad, but I think he was just trying to make me feel better .Other than death, a colostomy is what I feared the most when I heard the news of my diagnosis. Some of it is fear of the unknown, but alot of it is because I have always craved to be in the outdoors. If I was a RV/ATV/Huntin' & fishin' kind of outdoorsman, maybe thiswould not be such a big deal, but I am more like the "Put 50 pounds on your back, start walking and disapear for a week" kind of outdoorsman, and have never cared much whether it was summmer or winter when I planned my adventures-that is why God made snowshoes! The possibility that I might not be able to do these types ofactivities is almost as depressing as the thought of not surviving. I have always been an adaptable kind of guy, and I will adjust my life to whatever new realities come my way, but that news was tough to take.

If you are a family member, I appreciate the fast that you all are undertaking in my behalf today. To get through the next few months and years, I will need to have all my strengh, the strenght of my friends and family, and the strenth of the "Man Upstairs".
Confronting your mortality in such a concrete and ominous way has a funny way of making you reexamine your priorities. I may -or may not- have more to say about that later.

Some my more elucidating board posts

Like many who relax in the evening on the web, I hang around and post on a few message boards. While one of them is rather sensitive, and I will not copy and past my thoughts from that board, (I am not ashamed, it's just that my adversary there has declared his intention to sue me for slander if he can ever figure out who I am.) I am a regular on three message boards that mirror my interests and avocations. Two have to do with BYU sports, and one has to do with hiking and backpacking.
So I thought I would copy and paste a few of my recent posts from those boards, not so much because it demonstrates any great wisdom or insights, but because copying and pasting is a good way to put up a lot of stuff fast without duplicating the effort. To whit:

-On why Univeristy of Utah Fans hate BYU so much:
Author: buzzard Date: Sep 21, 2007 - 02:06pmCategory: Football (college)
Almost without exception, every Y-hatin', U-lovin' Utahn that I have encountered views hating BYU as a harmless, consequence-free way of sticking it to "Mormon Culture". Some are not LDS and hate BYU simply as an extension of the institution that restricts them to buying 3.2% beer. These are the ones that perpetrate the "drunken lout" stereotype, which does have some legitimacy. Some are good LDS but just like you and your stubble, want to demonstrate their individualist streak, and take great sport poking fun at us supposedly mindless sheep. And some simply graduated from the U. I find that many of these are a great deal less rabid than the other categories. They cheer for their Alma Mater, but hold no real animus towards their bretheren to the south. What resentment they do hold stems from being an also ran for over two decades, they just want to gloat in the run their team had for the last few years, kind of like we Cougars are feeling it after last year. When I lived in SoCal, a lot of the members were USC or UCLA fans, and could not understand the whole Utah/BYU war thing.

On why the PAC-10 will never invite BYU to join their conference:

Author: buzzard Date: Sep 6, 2007 - 06:04pmCategory: Football (college)
I do not think that the PAC-10 is "Anti-Mormon", but there is no doubt that the powers that be at Stanford, Cal, and yes, UCLA (stands for University of Caucasians Lost among Asians) at the very least-there may be others, but no doubt on that trio at the very least would not let BYU join the PAC10 under any circumstances for reasons that have nothing to do with athletics. Call it liberal politics, intellectual snobbery, aversion to religous institutions, call it whatever you want, but at least those schools if not others as well look down their noses at the Y.

On older, sedate fans who don't want others to stand and block their view:


Author: buzzard Date: Sep 3, 2007 - 11:54amCategory: Football (college)
Remember, those "bluehairs" are someones grandparents. And in 1980, they were not so old or feeble, and they were contributing bucks to expand the stadium. Many of them were loyal season ticket holders back before Giff or even Gary Shiede put us on the map. And in their day, they probably jumped and stood just like you. And someday you will be the "bluehair" (in my case, no hair) with the bad knees. So speak kindly to them.On the other hand, we are not at a Tabernacle Choir concert. When Harvey Unga broke loose for that first TD, I was standing and screaming with the kids-and I am not a kid anymore. Don't apologize for getting excited. I don't stand the whole game, that is what benches are made for, but it is time to retire your season passes if fans jumping up and yelling and pumping their fists irritates you.And if someone grabs you, kicks you, or pokes you with an umbrella (they aren't supposed to have them in the stadium in the first place), give them one warning, and then *you* wave the security guard over. Striking another person is the bright line that no one gets to cross in our society without consequences. But don't hit them back. Just like on the field, it is the second hit that the referee sees.

On the definition of a "Zoobie":

Re:What IS a zoobie? 2 Weeks, 1 Day ago

Gather round kiddies, it is time for a history lesson.There have always been a few students who referred to our esteemed insitiution as "BYZOO" or "The Zoo". However, the term did not come into wide usage until 1977, when a BYUSA (I think) produced a get out the student vote advertisment in the Daily Universe parodying the movie "King Kong". It showed the ape climbing the Carillion Bell tower underneath the headline "Who will be the new King of the Zoo?". That seems to have brought the term into much wider usage. BTW, "Zoobie" a humorous term, is not to be confused with "Zoob", a pejorative slur used by seething with jealousy Yewts who couldn't seem to get their ACT score over 20 no matter how many times they took it.

Of course, BYU sports is by no means my only interest. These are some posts from the backpacker.com board:

On my opinion of a certain outdoor brand:

Relax, your not missing much. TNF makes decent gear, but is the ultimate poseurs brand. When you see a yuppie striding solemnly down the trail clad head to toe in TNF, you can rest assured, here comes a wannabe. Me? Vasque boots, Mtn. HW pants, generic polyester tee, Sierra designs rain jacket, Marmot down sweater. I think I do have an old TNF daypack somewhere, but it was 50% off at an REI clearance and would never be used for a serious trip. My reputation would be at stake.

And when I was pilloried for that brave stand:
Chill out everybody! Some of you take everything posted on this board waaaaaay too seriously. BTW, if I was really worried about reputation, I wouldn't be caught dead in a generic poly tee. I think the latest de rigeur look is a zip-T from (fill in the blank). And judging from my 2005 tax return, I'm a middle-aged downwardly mobile un-professional.

This topic was not about backpacking, but about Government-run healthcare-don't know how that found it's way onto an outdoor forum:

I have an interesting take on this. I had health insurance thru an employer for 22+ years. Six weeks after being laid off and losing said insurance, I got sicker than a dog, thought it was flu. Turns out it was cancer collapsing part of my lungs. I did go to the doc on my own dime, but they could not determine the source of the problem, and I could not afford a scope to take a look at my lungs. Lived with a nagging cough for several months until I ended up in the hospital nearly dead. Five weeks in the hospital, two surgeries, four months on disability, and 250K worth of insurance later, I was fine. But if I would have had insurance a year earlier, I could have addressed the problem with about a week in the hospital, a few weeks to recuperate, and probably about a fifth of the cost. I'm not an advocate of government health care, but it does make you think.

On the cost of backpacking vs. other types of vacations:

Now hold on. I am a certified gearhead. I own three packs, three bags, seven tents, four pairs of boots, and enough assorted gear to outfit a whole scout troop. But when my wife wanted to go to Hawaii last year, we spent more in a week than I have managed to plop down in the last ten years on gear, gas, and food for all my backcountry adventures. So while backpacking as outfitted and practiced by many of us here is not free, it is only expensive when compared to sitting around doing nothing. Compared to most other forms of recreating, backpacking is dirt cheap.
(Side note: I have since donated some of the above gear to our Wards scout troop, so that stuff I would not be using could be put to good abuse by gear-short scouts.)

My trail mix recipe:
Raisins or Craisins Mixed Dried Fruit Cashews Peanuts Pine Nuts Cool Weather: Butterscotch Chips Warm Weather:M&M's

Finally, a note about the first time I solo backpacked, and how it was not that different from what I did all those times with B.J.:

Last November, snowshoe trip in southern Uinta's. But in taking my son for several years, it was as risky as a solo in that he was mentally handicapped and if I would have been incapacitated he would have been in big trouble. That's why we stayed on established trails unless another person or two was along.

Finally, two comments on the Salt Lake Tribune board that shows my feelings about Utah's scourge, the hyper-irritating, omnipresint, tool-of-satan ATV's and their ignoramus riders who feel they have a right to take them anywhere they please:

When us "hoofers" walk somewhere, we disturb only ourselves. When you ride in on an ATV, everyone for hundreds of yards in every direction knows you are coming, and the erosive evidence of your passing remains for months, years, decades. Who is being selfish? Someday the natural effects of aging will make it impossible for me to go all the places I can presently make it to, I understand and accept that. If we followed your logic, we would need a paved road to every lakeshore and mountaintop. There are plenty of places you can ride to, but you do not have the right to take your noisy smoke-belching machines to every corner of this state.

Part 2 of this tirade in response to being called a communist for my passionate loathing of All-Terrain Vehicles:

Hey! I will put up my conservative credentials against anyone around, I'm happily LDS, all the things a lot of you like to stereotype. And I hate ATV's. Loathe them. They are tools of the devil, as far as I am concerned. So save your vituperation for brainless dolts of any political or religious stripe who delight in trashing our beautiful state.


Of course, this is just a small sampling of what I have posted. But I hope it gives you a sense of my sensibilities, quirks, interests, and pet peeves.